Pay It Forward Joker

[Ofortuna]

A woman and a man are involved in a very bad car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So....you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God." The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break." Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are evil.

Hehehe!! I love that one!! Enjoy!!

[ThaHodgehound]

OOOOOhhhhhhhhhh!!! SNEAKY SNEAKY!!!!!!!!! LMAO!

[TrustinHIM]

Even though this isn't a joke(It's a list from 1955 issue of Housekeeper monthly). I figured I'd posted it anyways, as I found it kind of comical. My have things changed.

* Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.

* Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

* Be a little *** and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

* Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dustcloth over the tables.

* During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

* Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.

* Be happy to see him.

* Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

* Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

* Don't greet him with complaints and problems.

* Don't complain if he's late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.

* Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

* Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

* Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

* A good wife always knows her place.

Edited June 15, 2010 by TrustinHIM

[nana]

Comical? That was downright hysterical!!! It had to have been written by a male. Had to have been. If I'd read something like that before I got married...I never would have been married. Not ever. LOL

[ThaHodgehound]

ROFL!!! Was there EVER a woman that did EVERYTHING on that list???

Be a little *** and a little more interesting for him. LOL

Don't complain if he's late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. I'll have to agree with nana, a man HAD to write this. jeez!

[TrustinHIM]

ROFL!!! Was there EVER a woman that did EVERYTHING on that list???

Be a little *** and a little more interesting for him. LOL

Don't complain if he's late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. I'll have to agree with nana, a man HAD to write this. jeez!

Its supposed to say g ay. But i guess the censors are picking it up as a derogatory term. Glad I could make some people smile.

[ThaHodgehound]

That words meaning has DEFINITELY changed!!!! LOL

[kitsune]

My poor husband would be looking for the body snatchers If I completed any one of those tasks !!!!!!

[deadeye]

lol if i had a dream lol shhh dont tell the wife

[Stirfry]

OK... so Mickey goes before a judge after speaking with him earlier about getting a divorce with Minney.

The judge says "I'm sorry Mickey but i can't grant a divorce simply because you think Minney is insane".

Mickey, clearly stunned, says to the judge "I didn't say she was insane... I said she was f***ing Goofy!"

[Mainspring]

why did the chicken cross the road?

to get to the other side! ha HA ha HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA *coughes* ahem...

what? *runs*

Edited June 15, 2010 by Mainspring

[nana]

My poor husband would be looking for the body snatchers If I completed any one of those tasks !!!!!!

ROFLMAO

[mrx2578]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

After thinking for a moment, Watson replies:

“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!

[ThaHodgehound]

LOL!!!

[Bigjim]

If you peddle a canoe through the dessert and a wheel falls off, how many pancakes does it take to fix a roof?

.

.

.

.

None, Ice cream don't have bones!

[jgray]

A Longhorn, Red Raider and an Aggie are crossing the desert. Each is packing one item to help them with their treacherous journey. The RR asks the Longhorn, "what are you bringing?" The LH replies, "A canteen of water to keep me from dehydrating." The LH asks the RR, "What are you bringing?" The RR replies, " A camel to help speed my travel." Both the LH and the RR turn to the Aggie and ask, "What are you bringing?" The Aggie replies, "The door to my pickup truck." Perplexed they ask, "Why?" The Aggie answers," So when it gets hot, I can roll down the window."

[Ouster]

Two hours left!!! Im headed off to bed.. 5am will be here before I know it. Im working 12 hour shift, so I wont be on til 8:15 or so tomorrow night. As soon as I get home, Ill add up the votes and post the winner!! Good Luck All!

[Stirfry]

ok, even though i normally find "lists" funny, and there were several hilarious ones here... i am voting for an actual JOKE (and not for a story or a list) since it's "a Joke for a Joker" contest.

my vote goes to: sensay

[Ouster]

Im off to work..jeffB is my vote made me laugh

[Jeffb]

My vote is for Vapestream Lady

My vote for the lamest joke is Mark

[BabyHuey]

I realize I am late to this contest, but want to post this one anyways, because I just think it is funny. BTW I found this thread because I cannot seem to find the Joker on the site for sale, and my wife really wants one. So if anyone knows how I can get ahold of one please message me. Here or Nu-Vapor or Vapersforum. Thanks.

Best Sex Ever

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small town. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you." Yes," she says, "I remember it well." OK," he says, "how about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake?

"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.. They walk haltingly along leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.

Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen- year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them, "That was something else! You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? "You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of a secret?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

[Jeffb]

Too bad you posted late BabyHuey. That was excellent!!

[deadeye]

My vote is for Vapestream Lady as well i lahghed so hard

[nana]

Only one vote? <big sigh>

Okay, my vote goes to kitsune

[Bigjim]

+1 for Sensay.