Pay It Forward Joker

[Ouster]

Alright, here we go, as promised the Joker is up for grabs! I really was hoping I might be able to tie this give away into the Support our Vaping Troops thread, But Im unable to come up with idea that would make it fair for all those participating. I do hope that those of you who were going to ship a package...might find a way to support our armed forces in another way. So.. in place of that, I came up with....A Joke for a Joker Contest. Here is how I'd like to see it work..I will give you all 3 days to post your best joke, 1 post with a Joke per person only. NO VIDEO Seeing this is on the open forum..lets try to keep em somewhat clean guys. At the end of the 3rd day (Tuesday night say 11pm) the first part of the contest will be over. Wednesday night at 9PM I will post the winner of the best Joke as voted by the Vapor Talk forum members. Each member of Vapor Talk will be given 1 vote to cast for what they think is the best joke. You must vote for someone other than yourself!!!!!All votes MUST be posted by 8PM Wednesday night. Please do not cast any votes til the first part of contest is over Tuesday night. I think that covers it..so Good Luck and make us laugh!!!!

Edited June 12, 2010 by Ouster

[ThaHodgehound]

Way to go Ouster! Good idea!!

OK VT folks Y'all go for it!

I'm gonna sit this out as I have a PIF item on the way!!! Let's hear some jokes!!!!!!

[Stirfry]

wow... this is quite a challenge. i am going to need some time to think of one that isn't highly offensive in one way or another, lol.

[Mark]

Way to go Ouster! Good idea!!

OK VT folks Y'all go for it!

I'm gonna sit this out as I have a PIF item on the way!!! Let's hear some jokes!!!!!!

Jeffb

[ThaHodgehound]

Guess I need to know Jeff better to get this one!! LOL

[benjamin1990]

i saw this joke a while back and i love it it makes me laugh everytime i read it!!

A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?"

The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your maw!"

[ThaHodgehound]

HA!!!!!!!! NICE!!!1

[Popsicle]

HAHA MARK!

Mark wins by default!

Please, in the name of all that is holy, do not let Vic see this thread. The last time he told me a joke was traumatic.

[actor92191]

This joke is more of a list of the funniest things to do in Walmart.

Enjoy!

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.

5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially on thin narrow aisles.

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.

11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the

volumes to max.

12. Play with the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap, anyway?"

15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.

16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test

drive."

17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the store.

18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.

19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized

and say, "Wow. Magic!"

20. Put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bed department.

23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

24.Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around the store like a superhero.

26. TP as much of the store as possible.

27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" or "boobs" upside down.

29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"

31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"

32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

33. Take bets on the battle described above.

34. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

35.While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"

41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

42. Two words: "Marco Polo."

43. Put as many items as you can where they don't belong, like Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the grocery, etc.

44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.

45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.

46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

49. Pay off layaways five cents at a time.

50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

[kitsune]

Was going to post this on the off topic thread--but I guess now it can be on topic. I know its long, but I laughed until I cried....

I know its a bit long and not exactly a Joke....but I hope it qualifys

I so want a Joker !!!!

How To Annoy People In An Elevator

Act like a dog, growl at people.

Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body"

Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.

Bring a camera, take pictures of everybody in the elevator.

Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

Draw a volleyball on the wall of the elevator and insist you have been trapped in there for 3 months. Formally introduce everyone to the volleyball!

Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

Give each passenger a ticket and remind them that door prize drawing is in half an hour.

Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

Guard the button panel so no one can touch it. Growl and bite at anyone's fingers who attept to cross you.

Hum the theme from Mission Impossible with yours eyes darting around the elevator.

If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!"

Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they want to play.

Lick gummy bears and stick them to things (the walls, the buttons, the passengers, etc.)

Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

Make farm noises.

Make sure the emergency phone is working.

Meow occasionally.

Pick your nose.

Place police tape (CRIME SCENE DO NOT CROSS) on the inside of the doors.

Play patty--cake with the door.

Pretend you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers

Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

Read a book upside down.

Say, while holding a paper with OUT OF ORDER written on it, "I wonder why this was glued on the door when I came in.

Scribble furiously on a notepad while looking at each passenger. When they try to look, hide the pad.

Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.

Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce "I've got new socks on!"

Try to purchase an article of clothing from the person next to you.

Walk in circles. Change directions when you hit a passenger.

Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your head.

Wear a ski mask

Wear complete SCUBA gear, then offer your buddy hose to the other passengers

When the elevator doors close, bang on them, screaming let me out!

When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"

While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "hide it...quick!" then whistle innocently.

Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

yay for the awesomeness of elevators!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Jeffb]

I hate you Mark.

ps... Ouster, did you put those cool graphics on the Joker?

Edited June 13, 2010 by jeffb

[sensay]

Social Security

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

[Ouster]

Yea I downloaded the image of the joker off the web and printed em out on clear decal paper,and covered it with clear tape to protect the ink from running. First attempt juice from the atomizer leaked down the side and the ink smeared

Edited June 13, 2010 by Ouster

[kitsune]

Looks georgeous !!!

[Jeffb]

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's the night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.

He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

[benjamin1990]

Thats a really good one jeff. ive heard that one before. i love it everytime! lmao!

[joe2003]

The Man Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys' side of the story.

( I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear " the rules"

From the female side....

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "

ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

( FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.

You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

We need it up, you need it down.

You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon

or the changing of the tides.

Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.

Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do..

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.

Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something

Or tell us how you want it done.

Not both.

If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.

1.. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials...

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.

We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.

We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as fishing or racing

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[ThaHodgehound]

funny....harsh, but funny!

[stormchas3r]

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately

needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my

gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,

and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

[ThaHodgehound]

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Storm! That was hilarious!!!!!!!

[deadeye]

yes my sense of humor is dark and twisted but really is there any other way to be.

here's my entry

A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"

5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."

9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

10."If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"

[VapeStreamLady]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked,

“What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response;

I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid.

“Got stoned once and screwed a peacock.

I was just wondering if you were my daughter."

[evelwmn]

Not really a joke, but it makes me laugh to think about it...and Dr. Phil would have a field day.

Some days I just feel evil. I thought I would share something with you. This is from a blogpost I back when my son was around 8.

Goes a little something like this...

Every single time I go into the bathroom I am faced with one of two things. Either the seat is up, or the boy has pissed all over it. Now, the boy has taken to hanging his favourite sweater on the hook in the bathroom. When he pisses on the seat, I take the sweater off the hook, wipe the seat with it and put it back. And I don't tell him. (insert evil grin)

I don't know if the boy reads the blog but he should. After all, it may be helpful for him to know how utterly insane his mother really is.

Your right, better he doesn't know. The element of surprise and all that.

That reminds me of a conversation we had:

THE BOY: He is eating his supper, "You know what I hate about you?"

ME: "The fact that I spit in your food?" The look on his face is worth the cost of his potential therapy.

THE BOY: "MOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM?????"

ME: "Relax, will ya. I don't spit in your food." He sighs. "Only in your drinks. I put snot in your food."

He chases me into my room where I am laughing hysterically.

June Cleaver, I ain't.

[deadeye]

so wrong but funny lol

[Ouster]

Man Im going to try and stay on her good side!!