Joke of the Day :)

[aufin]

Edited for the ladies out there ........

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Two people, a man and a woman, were trying out for a lion-tamer position

The girl said, “I’ll go first.” She walked past the chair, the whip, and the gun and stepped right into the lion’s cage. The lion started to snarl and pant and began to charge her. About half way there, she threw open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stopped dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawled up to her, and started licking her ankles. He continued to lick her calves, kissed them, and then rested his head at her feet.

The circus owner’s mouth was on the floor. He said, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life.” He then turned to the young man and asked, “Can you top that?”

The young man replied, “No problem, just get that lion out of the way.”

[Aquatroy]

Subject: The urine sample

The urine sample

One time I got sick and landed in hospital.

There was this one nurse that just drove me crazy.

Every time she came in, she would talk

to me like I was a little child.

She would say in a patronizing tone of voice,

“And how are we doing this morning?”

Or

“Are we ready for a bath?” or

“Are we hungry?”

I had had enough of this particular nurse.

One day at breakfast, I took the apple juice

off the tray and put it in my bedside stand.

Later I was given a urine sample bottle to fill for testing.

So you know where the juice went!

The nurse came in a while later, picked up the

urine sample bottle, looked at it and said,

“My, my, it seems we are a little cloudy today.”

At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand,

popped off the top, and gulped it down, saying,

“Well, I'll run it through again.

Maybe I can filter it better this time!”

The nurse fainted... I just smiled.

DON'T MESS WITH OLD MEN

[aufin]

Suddenly, a cow runs out into the road and a Limo driving late at night

hits it head on and the car comes to a stop.

The woman in the back seat - in her usual abrasive manner, says to the

chauffeur, "Get out and check on that poor cow--you were driving."

So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but

it appeared to be very old.

'Well,' says the woman, "You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer

in that lighted farmhouse over there"

Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally inebriated, a full belly,

his hair ruffled, with a big grin on his face.

"My God, What Happened to You?" asks the woman.

The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best

bottle of single malt scotch, the wife gave me a meal fit for a king, and the

daughter made love to me."

"What on earth did you say?" asks the woman.

"Well, I just knocked on the door..........and, when it opened, I said to

them, 'I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow."

[Aquatroy]

Two little boys are going to the hospital the next day for operations.

Theirs will be first on the schedule.

The older boy leans over and asks,

"What are you having done?"

The second boy says,

"I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid."

The first boy says,

"You've got nothing to worry about.

I had that done when I was four.

They put you to sleep, and when you wake up,

they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream.

It's a breeze."

The second boy then asks,

"What are you going in for?"

The first boy says, "Circumcision."

"Whoa!" the smaller boy replies.

"Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born.

Couldn't walk for a year."

[spydre]

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.

Lady 1: "What's that?"

Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"

Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day ... Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."

Seems I just found this thread. Since my father's Mother still smoked when she entered her first nursing home, this joke had me laughing so hard my dog was giving me strange looks. Then again, when Grandma went into her first nursing home, you could still smoke inside in a designated smoking area. She had Alzheimer's. She smoked until she went into the smoking room one day, and tried to sit in a chair that wasn't there, and broke her hip in the process. Truthfully, I can't remember if that's the last time she broke her hip or not, and I can't remember if it was the time that she couldn't have surgery because her COPD was supposed to be advanced enough that she couldn't be intubated (I never saw any evidence of it when I saw her, even years later), but after that, she was in a wheelchair permanently after that, and the nursing home, well, we ended up having to move her eventually because they weren't taking great care of her, and let her body just about fold in on itself after that. HOWEVER, I can just see my departed grandmother doing that, or having that conversation, or trying to buy condoms for that purpose, and in that manner!

[Havamal]

The local Mill was interviewing for a new Quality Control Inspector; an applicant that they had come in was a man in his mid-forties and blind. The manager was rather shocked that a blind man was applying for an inspector job.

Mgr: “As a blind man do you seriously think that you can inspect the quality of wood?”

BM: “Of course! I can tell the quality by using my sense of smell, I don’t need to see. If you don’t believe me put me to the test!”

Mgr: “Ok, grade this piece of wood” and he held a piece of wood inform of the blind man.

BM: “Easy! that is a nice piece of 2 year old pine, no knots”

Mgr: “Right on the money, ok… grade this!” and he held another piece of wood in front of the blind man.

BM: “Eww! that is a nasty, knotted, 5 year old piece of useless hickory. You should toss that one!”

Shocked, the manager called his rather trampy secretary over and had her place her crotch in front of the blind man. The blind man inhaled deeply… and inhaled again… with a look of confusion he asked the manager to turn the wood over. With the manager trying not to laugh, he had the secretary turn around and stick her butt in front of the blind man. The blind man inhaled deeply a couple of times then laughed and said ”You tried to pull a fast one on me, that is the **** house door off of a tuna boat!”

[Aquatroy]

The Sensuous (and Smart) Wife

"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"...the woman asked her husband.

"No"...said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse...and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra...and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her .....and smiled approvingly.

"Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"... she then asked her husband?

"Uh...no, I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill... and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation..

"Now" ...she said. "Have you ever seen $30,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No way" ...he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused... and excited).

"Well go look in the garage!"...she said

[aufin]

Flight Announcement

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York.

The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and.........OH... MY GOD!"

Silence followed.

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled.......


."For the luva Jaysus......you should see the back of mine!

[Bebop]

[capitanovapor]

)

[ThatCarGuyDFW]

An atheist goes for a walk in the woods, admiring what nature has created. Suddenly a bear comes out of nowhere and is about to attack him. With the bear towering over him the atheist cries out "Oh God help me!" Time freezes. Suddenly a light shines from the sky and a booming voice responds. "You have denied my existence all of your life. The moment when you face death you cry out for my help." The atheist, in tears at this point, says "I know, is there anything you can do?" God replies "It is too late for you." The atheist thinks and replies "Can you at least make this bear a Christian before I die?" The light suddenly fades and time returns to normal. The bear pauses before attacking the man, puts it's paws together and says "Thank you God for this meal I am about to receive."

[Aquatroy]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife, the word is sternum."

[Havamal]

In school, parochial students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructors also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings:

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'

[Bebop]

Just before Christmas, there was an honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus travelling in a lift of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $5 note lying on the floor. Which one picked it up??

Santa of course, the other two don't exist!

[Bebop]

This guy goes into his dentist's office, because something is wrong with his mouth.

After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, "Holy Smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?"

"Well... the only thing I can think of is this... my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it... Hollandaise sauce she called it... and doctor, I'm talkin' DELICIOUS! I've never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I've been putting it on everything... meat, fish, toast, vegetables... you name it!"

"That's probabably it," replied the dentist "Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as thought I'll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time."

"Why chrome?" the man asked.

"Well, everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

[Aquatroy]

A young man with his pants hanging half off his ***,

two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain

around his neck; walked into the

local welfare office

to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said,"Hi. You know,

I just HATE DRAWING WELFARE, I'D REALLY RATHER HAVE A JOB!

I don't like

taking advantage of the system, getting

something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your

timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a

very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and

bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have

to drive around in his 2013 Mercedes-Benz CL, and

he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her

overseas holiday trips.

This is rather awkward to say,

but you will also have, as part of your job, the

assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the

daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong

sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said,

"You're bull****tin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well...

You started it." .....

[spydre]

Okay, read this link all the way to the end.

http://www.quickmeme.com/p/3vqohh

[Havamal]

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth and Putin all die and go to Hades.

While there they notice a red phone and ask what the phone was for.

The Devil tells them that it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks if he can call Russia and talks for 5 minutes.

When he is finished the Devil informs him that the cost is 1 million dollars,

so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes.

When she is finished the Devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars,

so she writes the Devil a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours!

When he is finished the Devil informs him that the cost is 5 dollars.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the Devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

The Devil smiles and replies "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell... so it was a local call."

[HaWaIIaN]

LMAO...keep em comin'. Needed these!!!